Antsy!

Man! I am gettin antsy! And it ain't a fun feelin!!!

There's so much I need to have in me and SUCH an urgency to get it. I'm gettin ready for whatever God wants me to do and I feel like I'm the grasshopper who's hurrying to get the supply in for winter and has waited too long to start storing stuff!!! I need so much more than I have now.

One of the major lessons from St. Louis was learning that I didn't have to know anything to minister to people. It's true! Don't laugh! The more I learned about ministry, the more I realized I didn't know anything and didn't NEED to know anything... Dumbfounding lesson for a person who has been told all her life that the more she knows is the more she's worth. And I have to be careful I'm not transferring that same thing onto this program I'm in. I don't want to think that I have to know everything before I'm ready and fully equipped to go into ministry. But I don't want to go out there without any wisdom at all and have to learn it at the expense of the very people God puts in front of me to minister to! Make sense, y'all?

Oh, it's so frustrating. I KNOW I'm so ignorant in so many areas. And that's one thing I don't want to be. If I'm not ignorant, then I feel better. Yes, that sounds selfish: I want to be more comfortable. And I know that ministry isn't supposed to be an area where one is comfortable. Though, when EVERY SINGLE AREA of ministry is UNCOMFORTABLE, then I'd at least like a little wisdome and a little less ignorance to help me get through it VICTORIOUSLY! Oh, God. Help!

Poor Rob. He's hearing all of this from me at the point where I'm most frustrated. I have to laugh, though. He DID ask God to bring us into the internship. He asked for it!!! And he doesn't know how to do this stuff. He's never done a Dream Center before. And he's never had interns before, let alone so many FEMALES he's discipling! Hard thing for such a blunt, less graceful man. His grace factor is certainly growin, I can tell you that!!!! I've been testing it here lately to some EXTREME lengths! Be praying for him. Lord knows I'm a test in and of myself! :)

But there are things that Rob is learning and that he's teaching. He's learning what discipleship looks like in this program for each one of us. For instance, for me? Discipleship is time. Time spent whether it's directly teaching in a classroom setting, teaching in a smaller setting, or just spending down time in the same room. That's me. And funny thing is, my "love language" isn't time. However, in order to disciple me, you have to know me. And I'm not one that opens up all my Pandora's boxes at whim! Nope. I require a crow bar and some time and/or brute strength to break apart this locked box. Rob has the brute strength (and sometimes brutal, though totally needed, words). Now, all that's needed for me is time.

What does discipleship look like to everyone else? What do they need in order to be discipled? I don't presume to know everything. (Yes, Rob. I admit I'm NOT a know-it-all.) Discipleship looks different for everyone else. It's just hard to tell the person who is discipling you WHAT you need. That's usually the reason you need to be discipled: find out what you need! Funny.

Maybe I'm just spouting.

Or maybe I make sense.

Doesn't matter.

God is still amazing. Perfect. And beautiful.

Even if I suck! ;)