New (My) Perspective

Like this stuff. New to me, but apparently everyone else around has gotten this already. That's ok. I kinda like the fact that I'm utterly stubborn and have to learn things on my own in my own time. This way, I can have EMPATHY and not just sympathy for others with the same probs. :) That, and it would be an AWFULLY BIG mountain for God to crumble in my life, this stubbornness. So, I'm ok with being stubborn. At least I know I CANNOT be moved.

Ok, a lot of words just to say that I've FINALLY gotten a breakthrough. (Need a new word for that phrase. Over-used.) In what area, you all are desperately waiting to hear?

Relationships. With men.

I figured out a while ago what guys saw in me and why I was attractive to a certain type of men. They were seeing and NEEDING in me what they didn't have: true love. Stupidly, I thought I could show them. But my darn human brain perceived this love only through my own eyes. I could love only because He loved me. And these guys wanted that love. Through me. I couldn't do that. But I sure tried!!!!!

I was struggling with this especially lately.

(Poor Rob. Whenever I'm about to break through these situations and strongholds, it's always an excruciating process, not only for me but for my leadership!!!! And it sure has been a hard battle for this one. My director at the St. Louis Dream Center was getting a bit of this as well, but just got the tip of the iceberg. THANK GOD, both these men were willing to wage war alongside of me.)

Why did I get this stuff just now? Why not YEARS earlier? And why this hard?

We were studying John 6 and there is a scripture where the disciples said to Jesus, "This is a hard teaching." Yep, said the same thing. In fact, SCREAMED it at God quite angrily!!!!! (I'm a stinker!) Well, most of the disciples that said this to Jesus left Him.

What's the difference here?

I didn't leave. Only because I have no place else to go.

The road of depression was a consuming one for me and I knew I could never go back there again. So, where else could I go?

Hmmm... Depression? Or God? Let's see....

Yeah, you guessed it. "You chose wisely..." (From Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, fav movie.)

People've been thinking I am an obsessive. I can see why they think that. I don't let something go in my mind until it is done and OVER with. And I did that with this thing. I'm not leaving here until I see Your holy face... (My song.) And I did get it done. And it's over.

No longer can I be rejected. Because they never accepted me in the first place. They were looking for Him in me and THROUGH me, not looking for themselves or in them.

I haven't been loved. By a man, as in the way a husband is to truly love his wife. THANK GOD!!!! Because I want that to be something special, and only once. I want that love to be something undeniable. And aimed at me, not just Christ though me, but me because I am WORTH loving.

I am worth it. Not on my own, mind you, but because He makes me beautiful. Me. Not JUST Him, but me. I will be loved as me. Not as someone else's Savior, but as me, Anna Renae Robinson. Broken but beautiful.