Precious Life

Some days are better than others when it comes to this.

When I was married, I immediately became pregnant. And then about 3 months later, I miscarried. I don't know if I've ever said this on Blogger, but there it is.

Being married at 18, right our of high school, and starting college while keeping down a full-time job... It's no wonder my body rejected the baby. THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER!

This is a day that's harder for me. I've had time to think lately and have had a TON of things on my mind, most of which made me deal with all this stuff inside. While there may be several other things that need to be dealt with, seems like God has this as His next priority.

God, FATHER, this is hard. And You know it. You see all the uncried, suppressed tears. You know the condemnation I put on myself as did others around me at the time. But most of all, You hear me mourn. And my soul is so far from healed of this. Mostly because I haven't dealt with it, just let it stay at the back of my mind, untouched as much as possible. There's been a huge door with a gigantic padlock I've place on it so no one, NO ONE, could get in and see this pain.

Why is the door opening? Why is the hurt being revealed? Why now, God? I just got through so much... And now there is EVEN MORE!!!! I really don't know if I can handle it. Not like I have been, anyway. This is much harder, and MUCH more personal than anything I've ever dealt with. What do I do? How do I stop this pain? How can I be released from this guilt I have about her? Reassure me that she is with You, and safe, and whole, and happy... Protected by You...

God THIS HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!