Gushy Stuff

I don't have anything specific to write today. I just wanted to get on here and praise God. He's just so amazing to me. And I don't do this nearly enough.

Besides the obvious, HE SAVED ME, He is God.

I drove around last night with windows down and hair flying out through the sun roof of my mom's car just looking at things.

When I first got my license, I did this a lot. I would just drive anywhere and everywhere I could feeling the freedom of BEING ABLE to drive but also something more. I was feeling the freedom of being able to live and serve God. No matter where I go or what I do, I have that freedom still.

I know I won't always FEEL this way, but that same freedom will be burning inside of me. I'll never be held captive by this world again. The moment I was set free, I was SET FREE INDEED!!!!!! My God is my Captivator, but also my liberator. His captivation isn't demanded, it is asked for. He asks if He can captivate my imagination, my thoughts, my dreams. He is a Gentleman. He never demands anything of me, but He asks. That is my freedom.

I don't revel in the idea that my freedom is mine for the taking, but that it has been so graciously given to me without any price to myself. Sure, I had to give up despair, sorrow, pain, agony, self-loathing, self-pity, and just general self-hatred. God, that's just not a very fair trade, is it?

But outside of myself and my freedom, there is this entire other universe He dwells in of which I have no idea. He's made things I will never see in this lifetime, people I will never meet, and places even the greatest scientist or explorer could never find. And He made it just because He was pleased with it. How many other "gods" of this world can claim that? I think it is the Hindu faith that claims reincarnation, but I could be wrong. (Spaced it for a second.) Anyway, reincarnation means that they COME BACK to the same place they left. They may come back as a "higher being" but they still come back to this defeated world and will still face the same end I will: death. That's not exactly something I would look forward to. What if they saw what I've seen? Or something even greater? A life free of having to come back!!!!!! A life free of the past's sins. India, when will you be free?

Ok, I'm gettin wordy. Sorry. I'll end with this. My God is great. And even if I didn't know it, He's still GREAT!!!!

Standing in the Face of God

I was really impacted by the teaching tape this morning at intern training. When everyone left the room and thought I had fallen asleep, I was actually thinking and praying. I remember when I was in high school, I used to love to just be in God's presence. At one point in time, I remember I would get up early to worship, study teaching tapes after school, and read, pray and worship right before I went to sleep. I still love his presence, and at times can sit for hours just being with him. It is hard to find the time now to do it daily, though. Sure I read and pray daily, but I don't think that is enough. On the tape he said, "Your ministry to God's heart is the only ministry that only you can do." Everything else we do could be done by someone else. The entire dream center could be done by other people, but no one can stand in the face of God for me or you.

Heaven

Hello,

My heart has been burdened lately with some stuff and I feel that now is the time to share. Who goes to heaven the good people? How do you quantify good? When it is good enough? Let's explore this together.

I was under the impression that only the good would make it to heaven and well, I was disqualified from that at about age Fifteen. I can remember believing that twisted propaganda for the most of my adult life. I truly believed, that my chance of being good enough to make it to that glorious palace in the sky had long been ruined, because of the incredibly bad choices made as an adolescent and adult.

Then it hit me, who is good enough to go to heaven, no one. You cannot be good enough to go to heaven, good is a word that has many definitions to many people. Good game Billy, Jimmy has a good Heart. Those two phrases have one thing in common and that is only the word "good". The context of how you apply the word good is broad and encompassing. I believe the word is used to freely and has become mundane in it's very nature. My point is that the word good should be applied in the appropriate situation and not thrown around like a medieval ball and chain to render people helpless. We must as passionate lovers of Christ spread the word to all people, that it is the FORGIVEN that make to heaven.

Trebby

People Watching

Working with the girls at Anchor Families is hard stuff! There's a lot I can and can't do with them. Thank God, though! I can take them to church! They are so hungry for companionship, love, and attention.

I totally can relate. They are living in a house with people they would not have picked and are not required to love since there aren't family ties. Actually, the ties they DID have with family were severed due to circumstances they didn't create. It's hard.

One of the girls was just weeping yesterday. She had misbehaved and had to face the consequences set up by the rules of a system not set up to discipline in love. She wants so bad to be able to go back to her mom, of course. And she fears she has messed up so bad she won't be able to go back at all.

How many times have I said that? And to God? And how many times have I been reassured there was nothing I could ever do to keep myself away from God if I didn't want to? These girls, (and the boys, I assume) don't have that reassurance. They don't know how to get that all-consuming love!

Ugh! My arms just ache to grab onto them, hold them tight, and tell them all about this awesome Love that wants to wrap them up forever!

God, make the girls' home happen, quick!!! They need to be in a home where God is shown off, leaned upon, and taught. They need to see what it is to be a woman of God... BELOVED!

Yesterday, while I was working, I sat and looked at one of the girls. I saw that her face was missing something. A few minutes later, I looked at one of the staff members whom I knew to be a Christian. I saw what the young girl's face was missing. While looking at the staff member, I could see what her face was like at peace with herself. She was completely confident of being loved: by God. The young girl, she didn't have ANYTHING in her life that was permanent, let alone love. I couldn't see peace in her at all.

This description isn't exactly right. What I couldn't see? BEAUTIFUL, feminine peace... A face that had a Lover. Jesus. That's better. That's what I saw.

God, grant the speed to progress the house. Let other people catch the vision. (Especially those you have blessed with the $$$ for this specific purpose!:)) These girls need You!

SLDC Re-visited

I was looking at this list Ms. Alliece, my spiritual momma from St. Louis, had me make up. Here it is:

5 Things I Don't Like ABout Myself:
1. My Mouth
2. Self-Esteem
3. Unorganized Personal Life
4. Time Management
5. Thought Process

5 Things I Want To Change:
1. Depression to Steady Joy
2. Dependency on Men for Self-Image
3. Thought Process
4. Organization
5. How I Deal with Confrontation

I'm happy to say that God has been working miracles in these areas already. And you know how it all started? With Him MAKING me go to Ms. Alliece and TELL her all my junk. I let every single thing out there, recognized it, and renounced it. Cleansing Stream has a similar process, but Ms. Alliece started it all for me.

God, thank You for keeping me sane! And thanks for working on me. I know there is a lot to be done in order for you to get me into the right timing, frame of mind, and condition to be able to do Your work. I'm just amazed that You'd even want to use a poor, pitiful wretch like me!!!!!! Thank You!!!


****Mini Update****
Whoa... This week has been hard!!!!! That's the only word I can think of to describe it. Hard!

Jason re-entered my life and I went to bits for a little while. Dad attacked me and I told him where I stand on everything. And I'm still here!

God, there is so much. So much.

I've been sick for the past 2 1/2 months and it's coming to a head. God, please heal me or show me how to GRACIOUSLY live with this. It's confusing me.

I don't ache for Jason anymore.
I don't fear being alone anymore.
And I know that since I've said that now, satan will try to attack me with those emotions, but I know how to deal with them now. Thanks to Cleansing Stream.

I'm not worried about not having a husband right now. I'm not worried about not being in Africa yet. I'm not even worried about not having my own place yet or a job that pays well. I'm just not worried. And satan can't take that away from me.

Encouraging Love

Hey everybody,
I just wanted to write a little sumpin'sumpin'! I know, I don't usually scribe on this bad boy, but I have seen the light. haha Anyway, I want to encourage all of you in the work that you are doing. It is very obvious to many that God has His hand on our ministry. The way He is exploding our ministry is sometimes a little overwhelming, but exciting at the same time. I would ask that we would all continue to allow God to go deeper in our lives, that we would allow Him to ravish our hearts, so that it will not be us living but Him. He has so many great things that He wants to do through us, and it is our responsiblility to make ourselves ready to fully inhabit His Spirit. I am so proud of all of you, what a gift mix God has given us, I am blessed above all men to work along side such quality lovers of God. Thank you so much for making my life so enjoyable as we labor in love together. It is so important that we continue to seek humility as we see His greatness revealed. We must stay meek, and contrite! He deserves all of the Glory, and I know we will give it to Him. Keep being radically violent, passionately destructive lovers of God. Always remember, LOVERS MAKE BETTER SERVANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love for people

Greetings,

I have been like a sponge the past six months soaking up every morsel the word of God reveals. Anna, you should continue to listen closely to what the holy spirit is telling you, regarding your spiritual gifting the one thing you do not want to get caught up in, is questioning that unmistakable transformation the holy spirit is wanting to make within you. I have always thought, I was a relationship person, but the context was strictly about business relationships. I have attributed my success in the business world strictly to "my ability" in gaining the trust and bonding with the people, whom I wanted to forge a new partnership with. WOW! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks this was God preparing me for the work he had planned for me all along. I am not in hospital heights for some unknown reason, God has dropped me there and through this experience, I have found that my heart is for those people. This is truly what relationship evangelism is all about, you see relationships are truly about people and nothing else not the next big business deal. I love being with everyone on Saturday and going out an administering the grace of God Through Jesus. I sometimes get in my truck and take a drive on Sunday afternoon and inevitably, I am drawn to hospital heights and the surrounding area, I find myself thinking about certain people who have spoken to me with a concern or a problem, or I think about the person who seem to be desperately wanting something but just did not know how to articulate that to me. I am so blown away by all that has happened to me in the last six months, it has been the best of times and the worst of times. I had such a hard heart towards people, that did not look a certain way or act a certain way and now I find my self loving all people regardless. God has done a quick and miraculous work in me, and I praise him for that. Glory be to God!!!

Trebby

Declaring what God has spoken!

Ok, I need to confess this. Confess it and let it out there! I haven't told anyone for fear it was me wanting this and not what God was telling me.

On several different occasions, people have prophesied that my hands would be used by God to heal. (This is terrifying me to TELL people.)

Sunday morning, God told me to go and pray for this woman and I almost didn't, thinking it was just my mind wandering and not God actually speaking to me. (I almost don't want to say anymore for fear that satan will try to dement my mind anymore than he already has!) So, seeing in my mind's eye what would happen if I left and just walked out of church as usual, I went and prayed with her.

Please don't misunderstand me, I don't want to bring attention to the fact of this, this... prophecy. I want to be held accountable for what I do and what I say, so I'm putting this on here. And I want to make sure that my actions follow the Word.

What do I do with the nagging notions coming into my head? They are doubts and definitly from the devil himself. He's trying to tell me that I'm taking pride in this. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I FEAR!!!! I DO NOT want this to be anything of me and that's why I haven't said anything about this until today. The prophecy was first said to me long ago and I'm just now putting my faith into it.

Of course, I know that as soon as I put my faith into a new arena, satan is going to try his hardest to destroy that faith. I just don't know how to cope with it right now. Having so much internal tormoil over unrelated issues and coming into this new...... "calling," I guess you'd say, is making me question everything and every action I'm taking.

God, HELP!!!!! That's all I know to say!

Weirdness Continued

When I said there was more, I didn't mean about Jason. I meant about my dad. I'm finally resolving some issues!!!!!!!!!

Sunday morning, I was completely ready for church and was actually in the car when my dad came out and said he wanted to talk! Of course, I was frustrated since I was going to be late for church AND I'd had a horrible night and was not in the mood for an argument.

My dad took me inside with my mom and let everything out he'd been holding in. As he sat there and basically degraded my entire existence, I was calm. I was amazed beyond belief, but I was calm. I was furiously angry, naturally, and incredibly hurt, but I was able to sit there and listen to it all until he finished. On top of THAT, I was able to rationally reply to my father.

Dad was angry (and is still working on) with me about being divorced, going through financial crisis, moving out to St. Louis for a year without getting paid, and coming back to live at home again. Sound like a lot? Yep, it was. My dad and I'd talked about most of this before and I thought we'd resolved it and were moving on. Apparently not! Dad harbors such resentment towards me, especially when I decided not to go back to college after the divore was final. So, when he re-vented all of these things, I was righteously indignant!!!!! I told my father that he was not following the Bible word-for-word since he STILL had not forgiven me! I also told him he did not come about this whole situation the biblical way since he'd been telling my mother to deal with me and would never bring up the topic to me, personally. He let it fester in his own soul, and now he was angry... AT ME!!!!!

I don't mean this to sound disrespectful, but I let him have it! I told him WHY I'd made so many mistakes and WHY I always searched for the answers in relationships with men EXACTLY LIKE MY FATHER!!!! Understand, I told him I knew that I MADE those decisions and no other person could force me. But, Dad also had to realize how much he influenced those decisions. What I could not find in my father, I searched for in too many relationships that ended horribly. I was looking for the love and acceptance I wasn't shown by him. Encouragement, loving correction, and just plain THERE!!!!!!!

By the time I told him all of this, I was in tears and couldn't hold them anymore. But they were good tears. I was able to tell my father just where my boundary was with him now. I am no longer dependent on his opinion of me and he can no longer affect my decisions as he did before. I am a woman of God, and DAUGHTER of God. True, I would love to be able to have a strong relationship with my father. But, I don't crave or long for it like I did growing up. I know who I am now, through running the gauntlet of trial and error. It may have been the hard way to figure things out, but it taught me just the same. I do not need Dad's approval anymore. I know on my own what God wants for me.

Now, God. Teach me how to honor my father in the purest form I can. I cannot agree with my dad on very much, so teach me how to honor him without having to become dependent on him for my emotional behavior and decisions. Teach me how to live dependently on You!

*********

There has been so much more that's happened this week. I'd love to tell you guys more, but the words are too many right now. I don't want to strain anyone's eyes right now! If you want, you can ask me. But for now, I want to keep it just between me and God. Just for a while. It's a secret!!!!!!!!

Welcome to the team Sarah!

We are just as blessed to have you on board Sarah. It is so nice to see the nieve young kid go off to school, and a powerfully focused and passionate woman of God come back. We are excited about what you are going to do for the Lord. As you can see Interns/Staff, God is bringing people from the N/S/E/W to help with our work. New Castle is a seed bed for Gods anointing and power to be demonstrated. WOW!!! Just think, in 5 years we won't even be able to recognize ourselves, let alone our city! City transformation is coming, and we are in the breaker stages of that. Isn't that exciting. I am so blessed to work along side such passionate and dedicated servants of the Lord. Thank you all for making Jesus famous on the earth!

My first blog

Hey everybody!! This is my first blog; how exciting is that? I don't really have a lot to say (y'all thinking that's a joke, quit laughing). I just felt like I should blog since I've been here a few weeks now. I am loving it here. I am so excited about working with the Dream Center and, what over the past few weeks I have discovered, an amazingly unique group of people.

Rob, you have become an incredible man of God since I left for college three years ago, not that you were all that bad before, but now I can truly say I look up to you and admire your heart possibly more than any one else I know right now. And, you still give the best hugs on earth. Trebby, I love you so much. I think you are just the neatest person. You are so quiet, but there is so much power inside you. I love talking to you and just walking the block. Chris, I am just beginning to get to know you, but already I love hanging out with you. When you smile, it fills the room.

Anna, Cynthia, Kristie: You have all become good friends quickly and have helped make my transition to Indiana much easier. I know that all three of you have incredible hearts for people and for God and I am loving getting to know you.

Everybody else rocks, too. Working with the Dream Center is the most incredible thing I have ever been involoved in. God has given me such a heart for the people of New Castle, I have been driving around some nights after work, praying. I can't wait to start Metro Kidz this Spring. We have such an incredible opportunity to affect a generation before they become involved in the same things as the generation before them.

Weirdness

Ok, I only have a few minutes, but I've been dying to get this all out. This weekend was... Extreme. I don't want to say that it was horrible, but it was pretty darn close. It was definitely filled with twists and turns!!!!!

Last week, I knew something was about to happen, something was coming that would change up some things. So, as a result, I was very unsettled and restless. (It also didn't help that I'm adjusting to working 3rd's!) And Saturday morning dawned after a sleepless night from work and left me with a definistley uneasy spirit. I assumed it was because I'm a woman and over-emotional. Nope, for once I wasn't just being hormonal!!!!:) Something WAS up!

TheG.I.G. was an awesome show, and towards the end, I got a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to Rob. Well, I asked his name, "Will." And last name, "Tester." And asked him what the call was regarding, "It's an emergency." So, I gave the call over to Rob not getting what the name was at first. When Rob got off the phone, it hit me. I asked him who was testing my will, in a joking way. Rob told me to wait 2 minutes and I'd find out. I was thinking it was Joe or Abram, someone who usually comes to the show with us. I wasn't expecting Jason. AT ALL!!!!!!!!! For once, my mind was completely clear of him. I wasn't wondering, obsessing, worrying... I was totally involved with working the phones and computer. So, when Jason walked in... My whole being just dropped.

Keep in mind, I am the best actress I know. (I'm not bragging. I hd this performance to prove it!) I kept it cool and ordinary. (As best I could with my mind screaming and my heart wailing.) He came in at the tail end of the show and got on the air with Rob and Marita for a few minutes and talked about First Assembly's youth group. In between times, he asked about my family, how I was, what I was doing... Nonchalant.

He goes to leave and tells me to say hello to my family since he doesn't get to see them very often.

He leaves, I break. A flood of uncontrollable tears I'd been holding that whole time just broke me. Thank God Marita grabbed me, or I'd have been running through the streets...

There's more, but I have to go. The Passion tonight. God, I need something. More of You. Less of me. Show me.

Praying?

Hello,

I want to start by giving God all the glory!!!!

A couple of weeks ago a group of Jesus lovers prayed for my wife and I, out at Everitt's house. My wife was preparing at the time for a surgery, that was complicated by the fact she has a rare enzyme deficiency that will not allow her to be put under by normal medication. She had the surgery and is recovering at light speed, the doctor who performed the procedure told her that "he has never had anyone recover as quickly as she has". Let me back up just a little, my wife let me pray for her also, now this might not sound like a big deal to all you happily married folk but for me, it was a huge step forward, considering where my relationship has been with my wife. (Translation: not to good) I have thought about what this Doc said and the more I think about it, the more questions I have. See, I am not surprised at her recovery because the power of God supersedes any medical abnormality, and with a bunch of Jesus freaks praying together in the house of a Man and Woman of God, how could the outcome have been any different. Getting back to the questions I have, and something for us all to think about, was this Doctor just being compassionate, nice or could it be that none of his other patients ever received such a powerful message from God, through miraculous healing. You see, I hope that is not true because if it is, what message do you clearly HEAR?. Something to think about

Thank you all for loving me, just as I am. God is working in my marriage and some great things will happen. I love my wife and have found an appreciation for her that I never new before. I am a work in progress but I know one thing, God will never give up on me and he will not give up on you either. (You know who you are)

God is good!!!!!!!!!!

Treb

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Where to go from here?

Hello!! Today opened my eyes to some things. A couple interns read there testimony. Let me just say first of all. GOOD for you!! You guys earned a deeper respect than even what I had before. I LOVE YOU!! See personally that is not something I want to do. Especially after I realized the testimony I gave Rob was not really my testimony. In a part yes, but it was missing SOOOOOOO many things. Things that I just have started to remember again. I had pushed them so far down that really they never bothered me. To be honest I thought I had forgiven whoever because emotionally I am ok!! It's weird even as GOD has revealed these things to me, I still don't believe they happened. You know what I mean. I KNOW they did but I am just not feeling it yet. Its like I am in a certain place and someone is telling me all this stuff however its happening to them. Don't get me wrong I have spoken them out loud and it make me sick to my stomach. See that's where I am at right now! I have NO clue how to deal with this stuff. I mean REALLY deal with it. Ok GOD you showed this stuff to me now fix me!! I realized I am a very emotional person. REALLY I am..hehe I just don't show it to people as much!! Yeah the fun laughing side of me I show ALL the time. Its fun to laugh! But the stuff that I deal with is not something I personally want to deal with in front of anyone. I guess I am kind of scared that when God finally does say hey ITS TIME!! I am going to be around everyone and their Momma!! I know I am like anyone else who needs prayer and help. However I feel especially with working with the teens that when I am around them its NOT about me. AND I know since this is how I feel about things GOD is going to show me in some way something about myself. I also realized this HAS to happen so I can heal and be able to share. I want to be able to have that testimony!! The one that says I went through all this crap, but guess what! GOD was there for me! He healed me of everything and put people in my life to teach me what I need to know. I have NO DOUBT whatsoever that is exactly what is going to happen. GOD is going to stretch me in a way that is very uncomfortable to me.
I bought this book yesterday at a Christian bookstore in Indy! Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer!! The funny thing is about six months ago I bought it for someone else. I honestly did not think I needed it. I am not completely sure I do now. However I need something, someone to teach me what the heck I am to do. The funny thing through all this I am not a wreck!! I am still happy and full of Joy... Because in my heart I know my latter will be greater. I am ready to jump in I just need help learning how to jump!

Roller Coasters

I know what you mean about the roller coasters, Treb. Staying off the ones I know will make me throw up is my problem!!!!!

As you guys now know, I have a job and I love it. Due to privacy reasons for the girls, I can't write out a whole lot, but I can tell you that two of the girls have asked if they can get permission to start coming to church at New Covenant. They had been going to Spiceland Pike but they just don't feel involved or included in a lot of things, so they haven't been going in quite some time. We'll see what God does there.

I recently have had the urge... No, that's not the right word... I don't know. Let's put it this way. My heart has been aching for Africa unusually strongly lately. I know this isn't the right timing, but I can't help but wonder if that time is drawing nearer.

For those of you who don't know my entire life's history as of yet, (give it some time :)!!!) then you don't know that I've been called to Africa. More specifically, I've been called to Zaire, or what's now known as the Republic of the Congo. Right now, there is a national upheaval with so many civil wars and uprisings that no missionary has yet dared enter the country for fear of their lives and those lives of the people they would be tending.

About 10 months ago, Dave Ohlerking, the president and founder of Children's Cup, an international mission program as well as relief program, visited the Dream Center. He spoke to the church about the call and how to define the specifics of the call. Along with several other men in the Children's Cup foundation, he has set up many different orphanages for children left alone due to parents dying of aids and other calamities and Dave told us about the severe need to minister to the natives without any sort of hope. Don't misunderstand me. While his message was eloquent and very moving, his fine speech wasn't what convinced me to go to Africa. The call has been there since I can remember. I just haven't had any idea how to fulfill it. Dave may be helping with that.

A few months late, Dave came with two of his colleagues from Children's Cup who were workind in different countires. They took all of the interns aside for a time of questioning since they are starting an intern program for those interested in African ministries. They wanted our input on how to run an internship program and gave us the opportunity to interview them about what they do in Africa.

Dave already knew about the call for Africa I have, so he didn't really say much to try to provoke me into questioning, he said later on. But I couldn't help but ask for as much information as I could about what was going on in Zaire and the status of the people. It was so hard to hear... God, help them!

But, anyway, after the interview, Dave and Dave, (a different Dave) and Ben took me aside and told me they would be honored if I would join their internship program. I would study under them for a year, whenever I was ready, and then be launched into Zaire with their support and blessing.

God, why is this so heavy on my heart right now? I've commited to THIS internship program... After just going through a PREVIOUS internship... And another one? What's going on? AM I supposed to go? If so, when? And how in the WORLD am I going to raise that kind of support? You know the problems, God. And only You have the RIGHT answers. Any time You're ready to give those up, let me know!!!!!


*****Insert*****
The reason I put this on here? I need to hold myself accountable. Especially when it comes to God's plan for my life. I need to make sure this stuff isn't festering in me, like it has been, and then pops out in an unmanagable way. I also know that getting this out helps me to think it through and let my mind process what's going on inside it. Make sense?

What I was

Greetings,

I have always identified my self worth based off my Job. I guess hiding my identity within my work made me feel warm and fuzzy. WOW!!! What a bunch of crap!. I have been driven by my job the last Fifteen year's with my emotions hinging upon my success or failure. Needless to say, what a roller coaster ride, when it was good, man was it good, yes, there is a but, when it was bad, it was bad. I had gotten so caught up in my job that all the really important things in my life became irrelevant...Wife,kids,house,GOD. I always knew in the back of my mind that I really had my priorities all screwed up, but was afraid to admit it, you know that thing they call pride. The moral of the story is a job should be put in proper perspective for what it is. It is not who I am, it is my means of supporting my family, I have made $10,000 a year and 80,000 a year it makes no difference, I was still miserable. I have recently been offered another position within our company, which will allow me to work closer to home and give me an additional 10 to 15 extra hours a week. I listened to God before making a decision and the answer I kept receiving was think about others before self, that has made my decision simple, I will accept this job and do the best job possible, but I refuse to become the job. I want to spend extra time with my wife and the ministry...Hopefully, those two will be bound together someday. I love this journey God has me on, you know, it's like your favorite ride at the amusement park, you want to get back on as soon as the ride ends.

Treb

Utter Confusion

Cleansing Stream... I don't know about this class.

We are talking about unforgiveness and we listened to a teaching by Joyce Meyer last night in class. (Suprising, I haven't heard that one.) And she was telling us about how unforgiveness will block us from receiving our breakthrough. Duh, I know this in my head, but another revelation came through. (I need a new word for revelation. There have been so many, it's lost its flavor.)

My own unforgiveness was against my ex-husband and all the other men in my life I'd allowed to hurt me. There was unforgiveness against them as well as against myself for allowing them to do that to me. And what have I been praying for? A husband, a man of God to come along side me and lead me.

I need to write a letter to them, ALL of them, and ask for their forgiveness and to forgive them. I don't dare do it. What will happen? Will the unthinkable happen and God reconciles my ex-husband back to me? Or Jason? Or anyone else I think of as dead in my eyes? That is the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the horrible thing I dread happening. Does this sound unrealistic?

My heart DOES NOT WANT reconciliation with any of these men... And maybe not with myself, either. I just don't know if I am actually willing to let all of that go and let those possibilities haunt me.

I've consecrated these things, even myself. They are set apart and do not get int the way when I am trying to walk out my life. The thing is, there is a bitterness there I can't overcome alone.

I've consciously forgiven the men. I haven't myself. What do I do? I can't reopen those wounds for inspection again. I especially cannot open them for the very people who inflicted them...

God, help. Those wounds still haven't healed properly. And I am desperately afraid of having to put a new bandage on an old wound. What do I do? How can You heal something I can't re-reveal?

A few thoughts!

Hello all!! God has been doing a lot of changes in me the past couple of weeks. I have had a lot of decisions to make and a lot of things that have been coming up. Mainly attacks against me and what I should be doing. The attacks of course are coming from the people that are closest to me. Some of them are just in my own head and I am trying to figure it out. Its weird because last night is when I realized I was trying to do it on my own. At least I thought I was! The same questions and situations have been coming up for a while and I have been so consumed with doing it the way God wants me to do it. That it makes me question things!! Does that make sense! I so badly want to be in his will and do what I am called to do, however I am impatient. I want to do more for people. I don't want more things to do, I want more quality time with people. Especially with the teens in the youth. The funny thing is God is telling me I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. I am exactly where I am suppose to be and doing what I can. I think personally I just want him to equip me right now at this very moment with everything I need. So I can start working for him. I have not been on the block the past couple of weeks and I am really missing the people. I want to help more and I think God is trying to teach me and get me to learn that the little stuff counts just as much as the big stuff. I might be doing something that in my mind isn't a big deal, however I am not realizing how much it means to someone else. So I am feeling like I have not done enough. Thank you GOD for working on me and through me. I know I need a lot of work.

Sunday Eric was saying how he was watching The Passion and got that revelation of God's LOVE!! When these men were beating Jesus Christ he had this compassion for the men. When he said that I was like WHAT! I wanted to jump into the movie and start beating people. I was wanting GOD to punish them... Then by the time it was over I was like WOW!! I totally get it!! I understand Jesus Christ loved the people that tortured him like I love Jesus. I thought I understood Gods love!! Do you ever think you already had a revelation of something and then realized oppppss maybe not! I want that and I NEED God to help me love like he does. I NEED him to search my heart and pluck the negative things that I don't need to make room for all the wonderful things that are coming. I am so ready for that I get so upset especially with my husband when he does something wrong. I am trying so hard to show him that God lives inside me. There are times though I am showing him that but deep down I am upset. That is something I KNOW God is working on in me. Then I am thinking WOW my heart is not in the right place in that area. It does not matter how much I act like Jesus is in my life.. If he isn't in my heart its almost pointless to try!! God help me not to be so hard on my husband. Help me to get a BETTER revelation of your love!!! Hey I am yours and I am willing to do whatever I have to do to be your servant. I am so excited for what you are about to do in me. I know its coming and I know its going to be great. That's the best part for me. I don't need to see things to know that they are coming. Praise God!! Well those were some of my thoughts for the day.. Sometimes they don't come out the way I would like them to. So I am not a big fan in sharing them.. Luv you guys have an Awesome week!

Burdened For Broken

Visions and dreams have been coming more and more each day. Well, I asked for them, so what else should I expect?:) No, really, God has been freaking me out lately. Lots of things He's been showing me... Frightening!

On Sat. night, I had a weird confirmation from God. Back in St. Louis when I was debating on what to do next after graduation, I asked God to give me confirmation after the fact of making a decision. I asked specifically if He would give me a dream and that dream would come true. Make sense? I wanted to know that if I was doing the right thing at the right time, then my dream would have been a confirmation.

I was sitting at the computer at the radio station with about 15 min. left of the program when I looked down at my hands and knew what else I was about to see and what the conversation behind me would be. I'd dreamt about it. Thank You, God!

I was so afraid that I'd made the wrong choice coming back home. See, I had two amazing offers I'd turned down. They would have been offers leading to great provision and prospering. I could have elected to stay at the Dream Center and enter their resident missionary program and immediately become what I knew God was calling me to be: a missionary. I would have been able to travel the world on different missions trips with a team of amazing people from Joyce Meyer's ministries and learned from them!!! How cool would that have been!?!?!?!?! The other offer I was made was to go to Alabama to an amazing church and group of people I already felt were like family after only having known them for a few days at the Dream Center. They'd asked if I would come to their church and help start a campus ministry in association with their already growing college and career group. They were going to pay room and board, transportation, and a small salary on top of that!!!! And I was going to a place where I was desperately needed and wanted. How much better could that have been? I would also have had time to go back to school....

But I came home, much to the consternation of both interested parties. I knew I had a purpose for being here.

I've had confirmation out the wazoo telling me I did not screw up. This was right. This was good. I didn't fail this time.

The main confirmation I've had came on Friday. I'd been praying for a job but hadn't been able to get ANYTHING, let alone the job of my dreams! In fact, I was told I was over-qualified to work at Taco Bell!!!!:) Funny.

My heart has always been to help teen girls in trouble. My prayer was answered in this job. I'm working at Anchor Families now, praise God!!!!!! And I know two of the girls who live there. They actually used to be "my girls" at my other church but had lost contact with during this last year. And I know there are other kids I'm going to meet there who need to hear what God would say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise God!!!! THis is my heart, this is my passion. A Missionary is only a title and can live and work anywhere God sends her.

Guess I didn't screw up after all!